There are times that I’m sitting on the toilet in the morning flipping through my own Instagrams because I’m not awake enough yet to process actual information, but not asleep enough to not need to entertain myself. As I flip through I always see a couple that I wonder to myself – Wait, did I really post this? Was I drunk? Musta been drunk. Hold on though, I’d never be drunk at work, apparently I was sober. That’s embarrassing. I should delete it. Then I continue to work through an internal struggle with myself about “standing by my work”. Whatever. But the inability to delete means they’re still out there for the world to see, so I may as well let you all take a gander at the ones I think are my dumbest instagram decisions to date. This post will most definitely be revisited down the road. So without further ado, I present to you my Top 10 Dumbest Instagram Decisions.
I don’t know how this got nine likes. I don’t know how it got any likes to be honest. The only thing that is right about this is that someone called me out hard with some brutal honesty and a hashtag. And someone else called me a weirdo. Then again, his name is Guido, so who is the weirdo now? I know, still me, womp womp.
This is a dumb picture. That’s quite obvious. There is nothing written on the envelope, there’s a laptop being controlled by an arm attached to no one (it’s actually attached to the bride, but since I’m a bitch and didn’t tag her, no one will ever know!) And there’s a hole punch. What about this did I think would be intriguing? Because I see nothing. Then again, I do see an alcoholic beverage hidden in the upper right corner, so now it’s starting to make a little more sense.
This would have been an acceptable post about seven years ago, when I was 19 and underage drinking on the train was cool. But unfortunately this was posted 54 weeks ago. Age 25. How sad. Granted, I was posting it to show off my nails not having polish on them (as if THAT’S a good reason to post?) because that never happens, but honestly, who gives a hoot about that? No one. What makes this train wreck even harder to look at is two fold. One, it’s a Miller Lite tallboy. And two, I hashtagged it with #latergram. Which means that I took the picture and then decided LATER to post it on Instagram. So basically, I was flipping through pictures and thought, wow, this picture is TOO cool, I should make sure to get it into social media land for everyone to see, I think they’d really like it. Not.
So I had my work friend take this picture when I read about Baby Mugging. If you don’t know what it is, please educate and enjoy yourself here. Problem is, I did not do a good job of mugging. Or rather, my photographer did not capture me to the best of his ability. I don’t blame him, I blame myself for still posting it when clearly my whole body does not look like it’s inside the mug! Like, I can see the chair handle. Which means so can everyone else. Additionally, my hair is flatter than my chest was until about my freshman year of college. To the 21 of you that liked it anyway, bless your hearts.
While writing this post I’m really starting to see that I need to chill out on the inanimate object shots, or the ones that suck at least. Honestly, why did I think posting how much tupperware I’ve collected at my desk would be Instagram worthy? It basically makes me look like I’m an overeater. A sloppy human. And…a hoarder. Unfortunately for all you interested men reading the blog, I’m off the market. At least the pictures in the background prove I have friends…?
I think that the chemicals in the dye mixed with the heat in that helmet like contraption created a brain-frying combination at the exact time I posted this picture. And the sad part is, that probably isn’t even true because this is the second in a two part series. The first is a mirror pic taken ten minutes before this beauty. You’d think one is more than enough. but clearly I needed to make sure you were aware that I was STILL getting my hair colored…ten minutes later. Also, what is that filter? It is terrible, along with the face I’m making. This is what we call an all around fail. Thankfully my hair did not end up the same way.
I’m all for the artsty posts of random objects if you do it right. I tend to post these a lot, as seen above. But majority of the times I compose them in a way that they’re actually appealing. This is not one of those cases, nor are any of the above examples. Why did I take this? And more importantly, why did I post it? It’s a picture of doorknobs. With price tags. At what looks to be Menard’s. Bad angle. Bad light. Bad filter. Bad everything. And to add insult to injury, I used tilt shift on it. Woof.
This one might take the cake. A classic case of “I Haven’t Insta’d in Awhile, Better Not Miss My Weekly Quota”. I’m seriously laughing out loud at how absurd this photo is. The caption is terrible too. You’d think if I’m going to post such a bad photo I’d make sure the caption was decent to at least bring something to the table. No such luck. We won’t even bring up the fact that the entire right half of the picture is too dark to even make anything out. Good. Night.